***Final Update***

The wonderful green chairs have been recovered and are living happily ever after. No longer is one lonely chair to remain, no longer must people smoke alone, now everyone can be merry and rejoice to the Task Force Awesome anthem. Horray for America, Horray for Green Chairs and Horray for free beer!

On Saturday, the 16th day of the 9th month of the year 2006, mankind witnessed what could only be described as the one of the most putrid acts of civilization; thievery. It was on this warm, September night that while attending a social event on the other side of town, a group of fine gentlemen,(and I use the word fine lightly because these young sirs have no truly heroic characteristics) had one of the most intimate possesions of college life stolen, one of a matching set of two front porch chairs. Heres the thing, this was no ordinary porch chair, this was the life blood of any social gathering while smoking a cigarette or simply relaxing after a long walk from campus and being locked outside. The group of bright green chairs was widely renown throughout all of Universtiy Park (UP), infact many random individuals sat upon these very chairs while nursing a buzz or smoking a random cigar. I have no problem with these individuals who borrow a little ass space on the porch, but when someone goes and removes something so innocent and pure it is a sin. And when some American thugs sin, it is our duty to stand-up for what is right.

Now while it is a little bit of a stretch here, run with me on this. Lets say the chair had a good home on the porch and led a great life just sitting around with his twin brother, the other green chair from Sweden, where all Ikea stuff originates. Well now that some assholes have felt the need to kidnap his brother, he just sits sad and lonely, all day. Drinking and chain smoking, something the FDA disapproves of for chairs around the nation.. It is pitiful to look up onto the porch and see one chair, just sitting alone, missing his chair brother.

Now, we've toyed with the idea of replacing the stolen green chair with something else to fill the void in not only on the porch but also in the chair's heart. We attempted to use a bucket, a blue bench, and even a pile of rocks, but nothing is as fitting as a second green chair.

Now simply giving in and letting these thugs have the chair and buy a new one would not only be admitting defeat, it would be allowing the terrorists to win. It might be cheaper to duck and run, it might be easier to simply move on and forget about that single, sad chair sitting in front of the appartment, but in the end the only losers are the hard working college students who gave that chair a peaceful loving home. Instead we have a better plan. We are going to hire the most awesome group of heros ever created, we will dub this group, task force awesome. The group consists of Mr. T because he is a badass, simply put. Clint Eastwood of 1973 vintage, because if it was Native Americans that stole our chair, he will hunt them down and attack them from the back of a horse, and we all know that makes for excellent tv. Also, Chuck Norris because he is Chuck Norris. Ray Lewis, Pro-bowl linebacker of the Baltimore Ravens, for his wrecking crew status on and off the field. And the final member of the team is Red Bull because you never know when wings will come in handy, like every morning prior to 8:00 classes.

So, in-order to retrieve our chair from the cruel grips of crime's hands we are going to need a few things. One of them is monetary contributions. The only reason for money is to pay Task Force Awesome, I mean shit, these guys aren't cheap. Ray Lewis made $5,500,000 in 2005, thats roughly $323529.41 per 60 minute ass kicking session, and this search may take years. So, we're gonna need a little money. Secondly, we are going to need some information to point Task Force Awesome in the right direction, so if you have any information on the where-abouts of said Green Chair please e-mail me at Nick181@comcast.net and I will pass it onto Clint Eastwood personally. And the last thing we are going to need is some free beer. This is really more to help solve our own grieving problems now that the chair is gone.

***UPDATE***

On Thursday the 21st the second Green chair was stolen. We are hot on the trail of this band of theives and have been in negotiations with them over the phone. Task Force Awesome is confident that the chair will be returned to the rightful owners.

The first Green Chair was recovered on Saturday the 22nd still in Salisbury, Md. It was believed that the chair may have been shipped off to Mexico for safe keeping, however it was located due in large part to the fear instilled by the members of Task Force Awesome and some intel from Salisbury Students. While we were not able to come up with sufficient funds to pay the team members, local celebrities such as Devin O'neill stepped up to the plate and helped to recover the stolen chair.

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